


When Darkness Comes Upon You

by nowhiteflaguponmydoor



Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: Crying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: Sometimes You Hear the Bullet, Grieving, Hyperventilating, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-19 14:06:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18136733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nowhiteflaguponmydoor/pseuds/nowhiteflaguponmydoor
Summary: A coda to “Sometimes You Hear the Bullet.”





	When Darkness Comes Upon You

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Day for looking this over for me, and the Swamp Rats for encouragement.  
> Title comes from “Be Still” by The Fray.

It’s Henry that tells him what happened.

He hears the commotion, something about Hawk trying to open a patient’s chest, and Henry telling Hawkeye to go help him. Hawk goes, but is almost silent, helping Trapper when needed. He catches a few glimpses of Hawkeye’s face and the sight makes him shiver; even with the surgeon’s mask, Trapper can tell that Hawkeye is really, really upset. He sighs to himself. Hawkeye takes deaths hard; hell, they all do. There’s a reason they’ve got one of the best reputations in Korea.

When Trapper realizes that he can finish up alone, he tells Hawk he’s got it. Luckily, Henry has just worked on two patients and they have no more wounded waiting. He tells Hawk to go scrub out and Hawk goes, movements almost zombie-like. Henry is the next one out, and when Trapper closes and scrubs out, Radar finds him and tells him Colonel Blake wants to see him.

He steps into the colonel’s office. “Heya, Henry, Radar said you wanted to see me?”

Henry’s already pouring a drink, and pours one for Trapper. “Sit down a minute, McIntyre.”

Trapper takes his drink and sits down across from Henry. “What’s up?”

Henry takes a deep breath. “The patient that Pierce lost? It was Tommy Gillis.”

Trapper winces.  _ God damn it. Of all the MASHes in all of Korea and all of the doctors, it had to be Hawkeye.  _ He sips his drink. “What happened?”

“Bullet shredded the aorta. There wasn’t anything we could do.”

“Son of a bitch.”  Trapper swallows the rest of his drink in one gulp.

“He’s, uh. He’s real bad off. I sent him back to the Swamp, but he needs looking after. So I wanted to give you a heads up.”

Trapper pushes his glass away. “Thanks, Henry,” he says as he gets up, and tries not run back to the Swamp, to Hawkeye, who is hurting.

When he throws the door open to the Swamp, he spies Hawkeye curled up in his bunk, crying softly. He doesn’t move at the sound of Trapper entering the tent. Trap crosses over to him, kneeling in front of him. “Hey, Hawk,” he whispers. “Henry told me what happened. I’m sorry, pal. I’m so sorry.” He wishes he had something better to say, but he’s got nothing. All he can do is be there for Hawkeye.

He finds Hawk’s shoulder and rubs circles into it. “Can I do anything for you, Hawk? Anything you need?”

Hawk sniffs, reaching up to wipe his nose. “Can...can you stay? With me?” His voice is so quiet, and Trapper’s heart aches.

He nods. “Yeah, honey, I can do that. Move over for me, will ya?”

Hawkeye obeys and scoots over as far as he can in the too-small bunk. Trapper stands up and toes off his boots and discards his pants and crawls under the blankets next to Hawkeye. Trapper gathers Hawkeye to his chest, and Hawkeye goes, curling up like he’s a child trying to make himself small during a game of hide-and-seek. Trapper wraps his arms around Hawkeye and rubs his back, his shoulders which shake, and runs his fingers through Hawk’s hair. Almost as soon as Trapper gets his arms around him, Hawk breaks down completely, and his cries get louder and rougher as he sobs into Trapper’s chest, absolutely heartbroken.

Trapper holds onto him as tight as he can; he rocks them gently back and forth. “I gotcha, Hawk,” he says, dropping a kiss to the top of Hawkeye’s head. “I’m right here, and I’m not gonna let go, okay?”

Hawkeye nods against him, and gradually, the cries die down to sporadic sobs and snuffles, and then he falls asleep.

Trapper gently wipes Hawk’s cheeks of the residual tears, and holds him close. He’s not sure if he can sleep; his mind is racing. Though he’d only just met Gillis briefly, he liked the guy, and could see why Hawk liked him too, and likely  _ more than _ liked him. He hadn’t gotten a chance to ask Hawk about it, but he had his suspicions. Either way, it was clear that the two men loved each other deeply, and Trapper is worried about Hawkeye. He can’t imagine watching his best friend die on his operating table, either his best buddy back home or...or  _ Hawkeye, _ who has come to mean more to him than he could have ever imagined.

It isn’t very long before Hawk starts twitching in his sleep, dreaming. Trapper strokes his hair and whispers softly to him, “shhhh, shhh Hawk, I’m right here, ‘s alright, shhh.” Hawk doesn’t wake but doesn’t completely settle either, and Trapper is loath to wake him up, so he keeps up his quiet refrain and strokes Hawkeye wherever he can.

Finally, exhausted, Trapper loses the battle and falls asleep.

He’s not sure how long he’s been asleep when he wakes; it isn’t light out yet. Something has woken him, and he isn’t sure what—oh. The cot is shaking and he peels his eyes all the way open and can make out Hawkeye, back to him, shaking and sobbing. The night’s events come rushing back to him.  _ Damn, _ he thinks, angry at himself for falling asleep. He reaches for Hawkeye and pulls him to his chest. Hawkeye just cries louder and harder, and god, he  _ hates _ this,  _ hates  _ that Hawkeye feels this way, has to go through this.

Trapper feels where Hawkeye’s hands are clenched into fists, digging his nails into the palms of his hands, and pries them open so he can slip his hands into Hawkeye’s. “Hey, honey,” he whispers, not sure if he’s going to do or say the right thing, but hoping like hell it’s not completely wrong. “Hold on to me, okay?”

Hawk flinches, but holds tightly to Trapper’s hands, interlacing their fingers. Trapper squeezes them back and rests his forehead against Hawkeye’s neck, kissing the warm skin there.

After a few gulping breaths, Hawkeye speaks, soft and broken. “I forgot.”

Trapper leans up a little. “Forgot what, Hawk?”

Hawkeye shakes his head and gives what might have been a laugh but comes out as a sob. “Forgot...forgot Tommy...I woke up and for a second, I had forgot. And then it...it hit me all over again. I—I already am forgetting him, Trap.”

Trapper shakes his head. “No, Hawk. No, you’re not. You’re exhausted, and you...you’ve been through a lot tonight. But it doesn’t mean you’re forgetting him, Hawk.”

Hawk sniffs. “I’m afraid, Trap.”

He’s quiet for a moment and Trapper strokes his thumb against Hawkeye’s hand. “‘Fraid of what?” he asks softly.

“All I can see is...him lying on that table. I’m never gonna get it out of my head. And...and it’s like…it’s overtaking every other image I have of him.”

Trapper takes a deep breath in, heart aching for the man in his arms. He thinks about when his grandpa died, and his mother held him by the hand in front of the casket, and he saw his grandpa one last time. That image was seared into his brain, but it’s not how he remembered him. He could recall the good times he and Pops had, and take comfort and joy from them. But right now, Hawkeye’s grief is still fresh, and it’s all he can see right now.

“Hawk,  _ no.  _ You ain’t gonna forget all the good times. It’ll hurt, yes, it’ll always hurt, but you won’t always have this right there eatin’ at ya like this forever.”

Hawkeye nods, and pulls out of Trapper’s embrace so he can sit up and swing his legs over the side of the bed, pressing his feet to the floor. “I hope you’re right,” he says. “Because right now all I...all I can see is...his face before Ugly John put him under, and...a-and his chest covered in blood…” He starts gasping for air, and Trapper sits up. “God, Trap, why didn’t I  _ do  _ something? W-why couldn’t I s-save him?” He’s gulping air, but isn’t actually taking real breaths. Trapper gets up and walks around to kneel down in front of him.

“Hawk, Hawk, ya gotta breathe,” he says, taking Hawkeye’s hands into his once more. “C’mon, honey, I need ya to take a deep breath. In and out.”

Hawkeye tries his best to do what Trapper tells him. “Yeah, there ya go. Now breathe in and try and hold it for me...one, two, three, alright now let it back out...good, good boy, now let’s go again…”

Hawkeye slumps down to lean his forehead against Trapper’s as they try to get Hawk’s breathing under control. It’s a struggle, but Trapper is nothing if not persistent. He finally pulls Hawk down so that he can hold him in his lap. This seems to help. There are tears pouring down Hawkeye’s face, but his breathing isn’t on the verge of scaring Trapper now. Hawkeye leans his face against Trapper’s shoulder and puts his arms around his neck.

“Trap, I…’m sorry. Thank you.”

“Sorry?” Trapper pulls away so that he can see Hawk’s face in what little light there is. “ _ Ben Franklin.  _ There is nothing for you to be sorry for, alright? You...you deserve to have someone there for ya, and I’m just glad it’s me.”

Hawkeye whimpers, but nods.

“C’mon, let’s get back in bed. We still have a while before dawn yet.”

“I don’t think I can go back to sleep,” Hawk says.

“So we don’t sleep. Just rest, Hawk.” He stands up and pulls Hawkeye with him, helping back into the cot and getting in behind him. Hawkeye rolls over and leans forward to press a chaste kiss to Trapper’s lips.

“Thanks, John,” he says quietly. Trapper’s heart does a little flutter at Hawkeye calling him John.

They lie awake in silence, Trapper absently rubbing Hawkeye’s back and Hawkeye bringing his hand to rest against Trapper’s chest, so he can feel the  _ thud thud thud _ of his heartbeat. Trapper thinks about the coming days. It’s not going to be easy, but he’ll get Hawk through this. He’ll keep an eye on him, hold him when he can, and let him know he’s not alone. Maybe he’ll try to get Hawkeye to talk about Gillis; even if he doesn't tell him all of the nitty gritty details, he knows it’ll help Hawk to say things out loud.

When dawn finally breaks, Hawkeye’s eyes are red, but he catches Trapper’s gaze and gives him a small smile.


End file.
